


haunted

by mqry



Series: one decision away [3]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fist Fights, Lack of Communication, Mental Health Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, aw my poor babies, erza and natsu have the best bromance ever change my mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-12-27 21:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21125681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mqry/pseuds/mqry
Summary: he hates himself for falling apart so easily and  so pathetically. he can't help but feel his heart drowning and falling under the surface but - it hangs on. and - it hurts. so much. too much. he wants to feel something real, something that actually makes sense. and - all he wants is to see her smile back at him, to hold him in her arms and kiss him until he can't breathe. he wants to be okay.the one where natsu loses himself while trying to find lucy





	1. scene 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey, guys! i'm back again with another one! :D i spent a lot of time working on this one, especially because a lot of the issues that i'm dealing with take a lot of time to get correctly. before starting this fic, i just wanted to point out that there is a lot of unhealthy coping methods used by both lucy and natsu. 
> 
> that being said, i hope you guys enjoy reading! :) 
> 
> note: this picks up right after snow fairy, and is in natsu's pov!

he's in kind of a slump when he walks home. it's really more like a half-slump, like - like he knows that he's walking and he can feel the hard, solid ground beneath his shoes but - but he can't _feel_ the ground beneath him.  
  
he's halfway there when he realizes that his feet weren't taking him home but dragging him to lucy's apartment. that's when it starts to hurt. well, it hurt ever since -  
  
_"i'm breaking up with you."_  
  
\- but it's - it's _now_ that it really starts to hurt. she's - she's not home anymore.  
  
his feet don't listen, though, and he keeps on walking towards her apartment. the flowers he got for her are starting to smell too sweet, too sickly for his taste and he wants to throw them away but - but he holds onto them. he doesn't really know why, but he likes the feeling of holding onto something, even if he knows that it means nothing.  
  
_"we'll always be together from now on."_  
  
there's a fleeting thought in the back of his head of happy, who he left alone at the sakura tree. and he can vaguely remember him muttering to happy to go home by himself. he wonders if he was harsh. but he trusts that happy'll be able to manage on his own, though, and he trusts that happy'll understand. it'll be okay, he wants to think.  
  
natsu reaches her place. he can see through her window that the light is on. he stands there for a minute, maybe two, in silence, staring at the light in her room. he decides he'll wait until it flickers. her light always flickered when he was at her place, and lucy always said she'd get to fixing it at one point or calling her landlady to do it for her. natsu offered to do it for her, but she always refused, saying she'd get to it later.  
  
so he waits. he counts the seconds as they go by. then, finally, it flickers. off, then on. he inhales deeply, taking in the cold air and filling his lungs. he turns away from the stone building, and catches a glimpse of the bare maple tree that stood outside her door.  
  
he keeps walking.  
  
-  
  
there's a soft layer of snow powder that dusts the forest floor, and when natsu walks on it, there's a soft crunch beneath his feet. he reaches the door to his house, and shuffles inside.  
  
happy is waiting for him, flying worriedly back and forth.  
  
"sorry i'm late, happy," natsu says, and it shocks him how _lonely_ his voice sounds. not - not _sad_, no, it sounds _lonely_.  
  
"natsu -" happy begins with an unsure tone.  
  
"i think i'll take a nap," natsu cuts him off. "stay warm, happy."  
  
he shuffles past happy, past his hovering wings and flops on the bed in the corner of their house. the warmth and the comfort of his bed immediately welcomes him, and he doesn't feel the strength to even fix his position to lie comfortably.  
  
lucy doesn't want him anymore. she hadn't let him walk her home, and she refused to keep the flowers. he dimly realizes that they're still in his hand, that stupid bouquet, and he tightens his hold on them.  
  
there was something that was itching at him, something that jumped out at him while she was breaking his heart.  
  
she'd wanted to say something. but she didn't. he wonderered what it was.  
  
there's a sudden urge on his mind, something that itches at him and he quickly gets up. he starts rummaging through his entire house. he searches the cupboard, throwing things out of the way as he tries to find it -  
  
"natsu, what are you doing?" happy tries, frowning at him but natsu just shrugs him off and keeps looking. "natsu!"  
  
natsu mumbles something incoherent, disregarding happy's statement. he finally finds what he's looking for, and happy watches as natsu pulls out a vase. he keeps mumbling, and he brings the vase over to the sink to fill it up with water. when he's done, he shakily drops the bouquet in the vase.  
  
he stares at it, like he hoped it would make him feel better, like it would take away all the hurt and all the pain and make it okay again.  
  
it doesn't. it just stares right back at him, as if saying 'what now?'

the flowers don't look right, sitting alone in the vase and he stares determinedly at it. his eyes scan the room, and he looks past a window. he shuffles over to the sill and glances around. there'a a clearing underneath some tree, and he decides he'll plant the flowers there in the morning.  
  
but - he's tired now. so he makes his way back to the bed and kicks off his shoes, once he climbs under the covers, he shoves his face into the pillow and he thinks that if he suffocates, it wouldn't be so bad after all.

it's way too early to go to sleep for the night, but he's so tired that he doesn't really care. he closes his eyes, and tries to forget her words.  
  
he sleeps the whole night through.  
  
\--  
  
the next morning comes and natsu doesn't realize that the sun has reached past its highest peak until he feels something - or someone - nudge him awake.  
  
"hey, natsu, wake up!" he hears an obnoxious voice that kinda makes him want to fight, and it's no mistaking that it's gray.  
  
"get out of here," he answers, his voice muffled by the pillow.  
  
"natsu. everybody's been wonderin' where you are," gray keeps going, and natsu turns so that his entire face is shoved into the pillow.  
  
"i'm here," he answers. "tell them if they want me, they can come find me."  
  
he hears a long sigh come from gray, the kinda sigh that sounds like he's talking to a naughty child and natsu wants to punch him just for that.  
  
"natsu. you have to get up eventually," gray says, and natsu shakes his head.  
  
"no, i don't. i could stay here forever. i could die right here on this bed," natsu replies, and he realizes how very true that would be. he could stay right here and die here. he would never see any of the guild members again, never have another bite of food again, never go on another adventure again and - he's okay with that.  
  
gray takes in another deep breath, like he's ready to fight natsu on this, and natsu just settles himself further under his covers.  
  
"natsu. happy told me what happened," he says, and there's almost a type of sympathetic tone to his voice. natsu doesn't give an answer.  
  
"nobody else knows," he continues, and natsu tries to block out gray's sympathy. he doesn't want gray's stupid sympathy or his stupid advice or anything. "natsu. it was probably harder for her than it is for you."  
  
he wished gray would stop saying his name like that.  
  
"you should go to her, natsu. you weren't just her boyfriend, you're her best friend. don't make her lose that, too," gray reprimends, and natsu hates that he had thought the same thing too.  
  
he still doesn't answer, and he can hear gray walking through the quiet house. he stops after a few footsteps, and natsu doesn't want him to see what he knows he'll see or to say what he knows he'll say but -  
  
"are these flowers?" gray asks, and natsu gives an affirmative grunt. "did you get these for lucy?"  
  
natsu cracks an eye open to see gray's hand hovering over them, the flowers he stuck in a vase, and he doesn't know why, but he suddenly feels a rush of anger run through him.  
  
"stop it!" he growls, jumping out of the bed and running straight for gray. he pushes him to the floor and attacks gray before he can even realize what's happening.  
  
he's got gray pinned down, and he's staring down at him, but gray doesn't look the least bit unbothered.  
  
"that got you out of bed, did it?" is all gray says, and natsu scoffs before getting off of gray.  
  
"you look gross. did you seriously sleep in your clothes?" gray questions and natsu shrugs.  
  
"what if i did?" he says, defensive.  
  
"sheesh. how're you gonna help lucy get through this like that?" gray asks, and natsu shrugs again. gray shakes his head and gets off the floor. "i'm going to wait outside. if you're not ready in 30 minutes, i'm hauling your ass myself to the guild."  
  
-  
  
it's a bit of a walk to the guild, and natsu doesn't really feel like going there. and he really doesn't feel like seeing lucy right now. but gray's walking beside him, and he doesn't know why but it - it actually feels a little bit better.  
  
he's washed his face up a bit, and his body feels a little fresher and cleaner but he still has that half-slump as he walks. gray walks beside him, his arms crossed and his chin facing up. they've been walking in silence since natsu doesn't feel like talking to him at at all.  
  
instead, his fingers itch, and he's feeling like he really wants to throw a punch at gray's face, just for the hell of it. he almost does it, too, right out of nowhere, but he loses the mood to do so just before he does. he has to be in the mood for these kind of things, he decides. 

gray keeps walking, like nothing's happened. natsu thinks of throwing a punch at him just for that, but it's just a thought and just as quickly as it came, it's gone.  
  
the guildhall is in their sight, and subconsciously, natsu straightens up. gray looks over curiously, watching natsu as he fixes his posture and puts his hands behind his head, like he's been completely calm and relaxed this whole time. natsu thinks gray wants to say something, but he thinks better of it and natsu - it makes him so _angry_ that he sees white hot rage for what seems like eternity but -  
  
the entrance is a few feet away, and gray clears his throat before they walk in. he doesn't know why, but it - it feels better.  
  
when they walk in, the first thing that happens is happy flying into him.  
  
"natsuu!" he cries, rushing into his chest. natsu feels that guilt again, especially when he feels his jacket wetting as happy shoves his face in it. natsu pets happy's head, letting out a small laugh.  
  
"sorry, happy," natsu immediately apologizes, and happy pulls his face out to look at him.  
  
"are you feeling ok?" happy asks, and natsu shrugs. he doesn't want to worry him again, though.  
  
"yeah," he lies. "a little bit better."  
  
happy buzzes, and gives natsu another hug. he flies beside him, and natsu makes his way through the hall. gray walks beside him for a bit until -  
  
she's there. lucy. she's sitting there next to levy and cana, and she's talking to him and it's almost like nothing has changed at all and the two of them are together again and he's joking and she's laughing and she has that shine in her eye and -  
  
gray puts a hand on his shoulder. it wakes him up, again, kinda. he blinks. lucy's sitting there with cana and levy, and they're just - talking. that's it.  
  
he can do this.  
  
natsu takes a step, and - and he expects it to be like that half-slump that he's getting so familiar with but - but it's not. it's more like - like he's carrying weights on his shoulders and they're dragging him down, down and into the ground and they're so _heavy_ and he just wants to sink into the earth, into the dirt and just forget that any of this ever happened -  
  
he takes another step. and another. he keeps going, on and on, until he's finally reached the table where she's sitting. he hates it, but gray's standing right there behind him and the fact that it makes him feel just a little bit more at ease makes him want to punch gray again.  
  
they stop talking. cana puts her pint down. levy turns her head. she has her finger stuck inside a book. it's marking where she left off.  
  
lucy's gaze turns to him. and his entire heart jumps into his throat, but it's - it's also doing this kind of _sinking_ feeling like, like -  
  
he - he feels his whole body starting to sink underneath with his heart sink into something kinda like water, but -  
  
his heart's staying a little bit low on the surface, almost like it's bobbing up and down, like - like it's not sinking just yet, but it's so close and it's burning and he feels like he can't breathe. he wants to turn away and run all the way back to his house, all the way back to his bed and just hide back under the covers and -  
  
"natsu?" lucy says. she's - she's confused, he thinks. that's what it sounds like, he thinks. natsu chokes a bit, and cana raises an eyebrow at him. she's confused, too.  
  
_just say you want to talk to her_, natsu thinks. _that's it. let her say what she couldn’t say before. it's okay. it's lucy. you don’t have to be afraid._  
  
"i -" his own voice cuts him off, and he wants to give whoever it is that's up there and having a huge laugh at him a punch. his voice is raspy, and a little hoarse, but he clears his throat and he tries to push that little voice that says that she doesn't want him away. " - i wanted to talk to lucy."  
  
he finally says those words, those damned words that took forever to get out. lucy is confused. she must be, because she said she didn't want him and here he is, asking to talk to him so he clearly didn't get the hint and now she's going to reject him _again_ and -

"okay," she says. "let's do it."   
  
natsu forgets that half-drowning feeling and for a second, he feels his heart soaring and he forgets that the weights on his shoulders and he wants to smile. he thinks he does, or maybe he tries to hide it, but it doesn't matter because she said _yes_ -

lucy gets up, and walks towards natsu. he feels levy and cana's gaze lingering on the two of them, but right now, he doesn't care. he clears his throat again, just in case his voice decided to turn off again.  
  
"why don't we take a walk?" lucy offers and natsu silently nods. so much for turning his voice on. he turns around, and he briefly registers that gray's gone off somewhere with happy. lucy begins to walk away from her table, and towards the guild entrance.  
  
he's in some kind of dumbfounded trance as the two of them leave the hall, and he wracks his head to think of words to say. _c'mon, you idiot, talk to her! _a very gray sounding voice seems to rise in his head, and he wants to punch something again.  
  
"the weather's gotten cold," he says, and he mentally slaps himself. _of course_, the weather's gotten cold, it's _ja__nuary_ for igneel's sake! he could've said anything, anything at all, and he chooses to talk about the weather. "the wind's come later than usual."  
  
"mm," lucy hums, oblivious to his fumbling of words. he stares at her, then, and he wonders what's going on in her mind. he wonders if she feels like she has weights on her shoulders that drag her down.  
  
"natsu," she says suddenly. lucy cocks her head to face him. "what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" she has this sense of unease in her voice, like she knows that whatever is coming is about yesterday and _wow_, has it really just been yesterday -  
  
breathe. this is about her. "i wanted to check on you," natsu says, and he says it all in one breath, like he's blurting out a secret.  
  
"oh," lucy says, clearly confused. again. he - he doesn't want to confuse her, not like how confused he felt yesterday when she said she wanted to -  
  
he clears his throat, just to make sure his voice is still on. "you ran away in a rush yesterday, so i just - i just wanted to make sure you were okay. that - you let out everything that you need to let out."  
  
lucy looks away then, and she stares at the ground as the two of them walk through the streets. "i - i don't know. and - i don't know if we should be talking about this, especially so close after it happened and -"  
  
"lucy," natsu cuts her off. "please talk to me about this. i - i mean, we're still friends, right?"  
  
lucy does a little gasp, then, like something he said just turned a switch on and she halts in her tracks. she looks up from the ground and stares up at natsu.  
  
"yeah. yeah, we're - we're friends," lucy utters, and natsu offers her a smile.  
  
it's hard to smile, natsu thinks. it takes every single fiber of his being to keep it just long enough for lucy to relax. it's so - _draining_, he thinks. has smiling always been like this?  
  
"so. you can talk to me about this," natsu says, and lucy nods her head hesitantly. she wrings her hands together like she's restless.  
  
"right. yes. i can. i know i can," lucy begins to mumble to herself, saying complete nonsense and a bit of gibberish. she stops herself and her eyes shine before she stops herself. "they opened a new magic shop by the bakery. come with me." she says it so suddenly, so out of the blue, that natsu's not sure if he heard her correctly.  
  
natsu knits his brows together, feeling a little confused. she's doing it again. he can tell. there's something else she wants to say, something else on her mind but she's not letting herself say it.  
  
he remembers what she had said before. she wasn't ready. he wonders why that comes to the forefront of his mind at this moment.  
  
he has to talk to her, he knows he does. there's so much that they never got to say, and that they might never have the chance to say. he can't just forget it, can't forget that look she gave him, the one that said there was more, there was _something_ that she wasn't telling him.  
  
but right here, right now, there's something else written in lucy's eyes. she's practically begging him just to go along with it, just for her sake.

they're so deep, and as he stares into her eyes, he can't help but feel everything fall into place. he feels so - _safe_ around her, like this is where he's meant to be. and he doesn’t want to lose being able to look into her eyes again.  
  
"okay," he says, ignoring every red flag in his mind. "let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww :(
> 
> i want to point out that there is a huge lack of communication skills between both natsu and lucy, and it takes time for it to really develop!
> 
> i really hope you guys liked this chapter, and be on the lookout for the next one!
> 
> -mqry


	2. scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he has to talk to her, he knows he does. there's so much that they never got to say, and that they might never have the chance to say. he can't just forget it, can't forget that look she gave him, the one that said there was more, there was something that she wasn't telling him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everybody! first, i'd like to say thanks for reading this and sticking around for the next chapter. it means a lot <3 
> 
> before we get into it, i want to give you guys a fair warning. as mentioned in the tags, natsu and lucy cope with their hurt unhealthily. some of it is present in ch.1, but this is the chapter when natsu starts to knowingly use these methods. specifically in the end of the chapter. if you aren't okay with that, it's alright to refrain from continuing. 
> 
> another thing i want to express is that natsu's feelings are not solely revolved around the breakup. i personally believe that a lot of the trauma that natsu (the majority of fairy tail, tbh) has experienced can't be cost-free. it's hard to see this, speaking in realistic terms. he struggles with mental health, and i want to ensure that i am doing my part by warning you in advance of what will happen in the future. 
> 
> please understand that lucy is also struggling in her own way, and the only reason why i'm not focusing on her and her feelings is b/c this specific episode is natsu-centric, the same way maple leaf was lucy-centric. but you can clearly see her struggling throughout this chapter and it's even hinted at in the first. 
> 
> that being said, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter! <3

he gets to planting the flowers by the tree. it's - hard, at first, to plant them correctly and to figure out how to sort them. but he does, eventually. and it - it works. they're a little sad to look at but - natsu's certain. they'll grow. they'll be alright. the chill has left magnolia, and the trees have started to sprout tiny leaves from their branches. they'll be alright.  
  
-  
  
it goes on for a while. the dance he's doing with lucy, he means. he'll admit it - he really shouldn't have let it go on for as long as it did. maybe then he wouldn't find out, and he wouldn't be miserable the way he is now.  
  
it starts with a magic shop. but then the next time he tries to talk to her, he finds himself on his way to new restaurant that just opened. then, it's a café that serves the most _delicious_ creme bruleé. natsu doesn't even know what creme bruleé is.  
  
but it's what lucy wants. and she always has that sparkle in her eye, that pleading look that she gives him, and he can't - he can't say _no _to her. and he - he really hates it. he really does.  
  
he wants to talk to her. he wants her to talk to him. he wants her to open up, the way she always did. he wants things to be the same. he wants them to be like they were before.  
  
but she doesn't want that. she doesn't _want_ to talk about why she decided she wasn’t ready. she doesn't _want_ to talk about why she had left him there standing in the snow. she doesn't _want_ to talk about anything, and it's driving natsu half mad.  
  
he hates this. he hates how even though she's dragging him all over magnolia, she's still so distant. she's so far away, natsu thinks. but - it's just - _easier_, he thinks, to just go with her. it's -  
  
it's like - it's kinda like this, okay? so - so, lucy is the sun. she's bright, and she's warm, and she makes him feel safe. she can light up an entire room with just a smile, and she can make him forget that his name is natsu dragneel. she can practically blind him with how shiny and bright her hair is, how sparkly her eyes get as they reflect light. so - so, lucy is the sun. and she's - she's leading natsu, who's - who's kinda like the moon, in a way.  
  
the moon doesn't give off light of its own. it reflects the sun's light. so, it's kinda like natsu is - he's not in that half-slump anymore, okay? he's - he's in this weightless slump. and - it's because of lucy. because of the sun.  
  
so - he's got to pretend like he doesn't want to scream out that he loves her whenever she smiles at him. because - she's the sun. she's radiant and she's strong and she's, well, she's _lucy_ \- and he's the moon.  
  
it kinda makes sense. to him, at least. whatever fucked-up way it happens, it happens. and he - he can almost pretend that nothing had ever happened between them at all.  
  
today, she's dragged him to the cinema, where they show movies and stuff on lacrima vision. natsu doesn't really want to go, he never really understands any of it anyway, but lucy _swears_ that this one is good.  
  
it's a rendition of cinderella, where cinderella runs away from her evil stepfamily at home and tries to find a new family. it's all very sweet, he thinks, but he isn't really interested at all, and when he glances over to lucy, he doesn't think that she is either. he reaches over to put his hand on hers, just to get her attention. she pretends not to notice, and keeps her gaze on the lacrima.  
  
"lucy," he whispers, so gently he worries that lucy didn't hear him.  
  
"yeah?" she says, finally flickering her gaze to his eyes.  
  
"what are we doing here?" he asks, and lucy shifts uncomfortably in her seat.  
  
"what do you mean?" she questions, her gaze flickering anywhere but him. that's kind of a harsh hit, and he takes a deep breath. maybe she really does have no idea what he's doing, what he means, what he's trying to say.

in any case, he hates that lucy can’t look him in the eye, so he settles himself back on his chair. he takes his hand back and puts it on his lap. he's never felt heat before, so it comes as a shock to him that he feels his hand burning where he touched her. his heartbeat quickens, and he forces himself to focus on the screen, just to get his mind off it.  
  
it doesn't work very well. all it's doing is placing some fake story in front of him, something that doesn't mean anything at all, all the while he can barely breathe. 

natsu droops his head, and he feels his heart sinking, just barely above the water, and he wants to scream. he - he doesn't want to _be_ here, sitting in front of a crappy movie that doesn't have any meaning to it, staring at these shitty actors who can barely keep his attention, and -   
  
right next to lucy. right next to the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, the same girl who has warm, mocha eyes that make him fall in love every time he looks into them. and - he really, _really_ doesn't want to give that up.  
  
so he sits next to her, in the uncomfortable theater chair, and pretends like he doesn’t want to scream as loud as he can.  
  
\--  
  
the movie finally ends, and natsu follows after lucy, who drowns his thoughts in her excited chatter about the movie. she goes on and on about the story, how she'd like to see it again sometime, but natsu knows that neither of them would ever be able to sit through that movie again.  
  
"so," lucy says, turning her head and looking up at natsu. "what do you want to do next?"  
  
he shrugs. "whatever you feel like doing, i guess." he doesn’t really have much of an opinion, or really any idea of what she'd want to do. in all honesty, he doesn't want to spoil the good mood they've been pretending to have by bringing up anything she was uncomfortable with.  
  
lucy studies his eyes for a moment, and natsu stares back into hers. he can't get enough of her deep chocolate eyes, warm and inviting, and he wishes he could stare into them all day. he thinks lucy's staring too deeply in him, and he worries that she'll see right through him.  
  
she's done it before, countless times, where she would look into his eyes and press a hand to his cheek and whisper softly - "natsu. what do you want?"  
  
he thinks that she'll do it right here, right now, and he thinks he won't really mind that at all. but she doesn't, and all she does is clear her throat and turn away.  
  
"why don't we grab some lunch at the guild?" she says instead, and natsu's heart drops.  
  
"sure. sounds good," he replies, and lucy gives him a smile. it's a half-smile. like - it's not a _real _smile, but it's not exactly _fake_ either. it's more like... she's smiling, but she doesn't mean it all the way. like... she's smiling to tell him that they're okay. natsu thinks that at one point she's going to knit her lips in a permanent smile for the sole purpose of pretending that she's okay with it.  
  
so she grabs his arm (and he ignores the thump his heart gives because _lucy doesn't want that anymore_) and begins to lead him through the streets again. he's content to keep the silence between them, but he can tell that lucy isn't comfortable. she fills up the empty air with conversation, and she talks so fast that natsu can barely keep up.  
  
first, she continues to talk about the movie they watched, and then it's about the actress who played cinderella. she talks about an idea she had for her next novel. she goes though it all so quickly that natsu doesn't even know what she's talking about anymore.  
  
right now, he thinks, she's talking about a contract with a new silver key she's found on a job. and then it hits him. the two of them haven't been on a job since - well - they broke up. and he wonders who she's going on jobs with and -  
  
"- and cana's been really nice about it all. she says that even though she loves going on jobs with gildarts and all, she needs some space from time to time. sometimed i'll go with wendy and charle, or levy lets me tag along with her and gajeel - " in the midst of lucy talking, in the million words she says, he doesn't know why that suddenly hurts him. the fact that she's been going out on jobs without him, going with literally anybody _but_ him and - yeah. it really sucks.  
  
natsu keeps thinking about it all the way to the guild hall. by the time they reach it, he's lost his appetite.

lucy sits down at her usual table with cana and levy. he watches her until she's settled comfortably in her seat and the half-fake of her smile disappears. he feels a weight dragging on his chest, and he forces himself to look away.   
  
he spares a glance around the guildhall for happy and he notices him offering a fish to charle with lily looking at them amusedly. he hopes happy has better luck with his love life than he does.  
  
he drags himself over to the bar, where mira is wiping down plates. he barely even registers erza, who was already there and eating a piece of cake, or gray, who plops down in the seat next to him.  
  
"how long have you been a miserable mess for?" gray asks, and natsu's fingers itch for a fight.  
  
"gray," erza warns, putting her fork down on her plate.  
  
"i'm just saying." gray shrugs, unapologetic, and natsu clenches his fists. he wishes that gray wasn't here, and he didn't offer his stupid remarks, and his stupid sayings. part of him just wants to shove gray to the floor and beat the crap out of him.  
  
"she doesn't want to talk," natsu explains, and he applauds himself for keeping his voice steady and free from the irritation he feels from gray. "and i don't want to pressure her."  
  
"sheesh," gray says, turning to his pint and downing half of it down his throat.  
  
"enough, gray," erza says, her voice stern. "are you really one to talk about troubles with women?" she jerks a finger across the guild hall, where a blue-haired water mage sits. gray flushes at that, focusing on his drink. natsu has never felt so relieved for erza's presence.  
  
"natsu, it's a good thing that you're taking lucy's feelings into account. but you can't forget about yourself and your feelings. you aren't doing right by you," erza tries to say. even though he knows that she's right, he still sighs in the midst of her words and drops his head on the bartable.  
  
"it's just - so - _hard,_" he whines, instead of giving her a real reply, just because saying that is easier than actually talking about this.  
  
gray lets out a hardy laugh at this, and natsu wants to be angry. he shrinks into himself instead. he wants to be angry at gray's reaction, but he knows that he deserves it. he really should be laughed at with how pathetic he's acting.  
  
he expects erza to do the same, but she doesn't. she rests a hand against his back and lightly rubs his shoulder.  
  
"i know," she says gently. "that's okay, too."  
  
natsu can still barely breathe, even after her words of comfort, and he keeps his head down, just to avoid any looks or glances from any of the guild members. gray's disapproving look is enough to make him fill up with emotion.  
  
he looks up, just for a moment, just so that he can see if gray's making fun of him. the first person he sees is erza, looking at him with a soft smile. he turns and sees gray, who's looking down at him, an amused look on his face. he looks behind him, just to see if any of the other guild members caught his bout of depression. nobody's looking at him at first glance, but when he takes a better look he thinks he sees -  
  
there's gajeel who keeps glancing over to him and then muttering to juvia. there's even the raijinshu, evergreen chattering away to bixlow and freed while her glasses hide her stare at natsu. lisanna's even whispering to elfman, and he swears that she's looking at him.  
  
part of him, the more rational part of him, says that it's all in his head, that _nobody's _looking at him, but he won't listen because -  
  
now it's lucy who's staring at him, and she's in the midst of conversation with levy and cana. and there's practically no doubt in his mind that she's talking to them about him. she's talking about how pathetic he is that he can't even talk about his feelings. she has to be talking about how he's letting himself be dragged every which way just to avoid talking about how he really feels and -

"natsu. get out of that head of yours," erza disrupts his train of thought, and when he looks back at her, she's not smiling anymore. she's looking at him with a stern expression, and a strong gaze. "i don't know what it is you're thinking, but whatever it is, it's certainly not right."  
  
natsu blinks, and when he looks back to lucy, she's laughing cheerfully with no malice in her voice. she's - she's looking at her friends, a bright smile on her face. he takes another breath.  
  
"s-sorry," natsu mutters, and erza shakes her head.  
  
"don't be sorry. it's alright," she says, and natsu lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. he glances back to lucy, and thinks once more of erza's words.  
  
"c'mon, natsu, it can't be that hard. you want me to talk to her for you?" gray offers, and natsu wants to say yes.  
  
"no, gray. natsu has to do this for himself. you won't grow if people do the hard work for you," erza chimes in, and natsu's relief for her presence fades away.  
  
"what's the problem with gray doing it for me?" natsu says. "we'd still get the same end result. and i wouldn't have to hurt her."  
  
erza shakes her head, and she frowns as natsu mutters to himself. "no, natsu. you're thinking of this as a battle. lucy is not your enemy, and your feelings are not a weapon. do you understand?"  
  
it makes sense. she makes sense, and he knows that she's right and he does understand. but natsu doesn't want to say that he does, so instead he just moans and flops his head back like a fish. it gets a laugh out of gray, but erza only raises a brow, unamused.  
  
"natsu. do you understand?"  
  
and just to make her happy, he nods. erza doesn't seem fully satisfied, but she seems to understand that it's the most she'll get from him.  
  
natsu spares another glance at lucy, smiling and laughing cheerfully with her friends. he'd do anything to keep that smile on her face. even if the cost was killing him.  
  
-  
  
it's dark by the time he finally leaves the guild. gray and erza were long gone, and lucy had gone out with cana. he plans to go home. it's in his head to go home.  
  
but he finds his way walking towards lucy's apartment. every time he's tried to go home, he always ends up at lucy's apartment.  
  
he's counted the amount of steps it takes to reach her place from the guildhall (135,975), and watched every last leaf on her maple tree fall to the ground.  
  
he stands outside her apartment, watching the light that flickers. he counts how much time is in between each flicker (268 seconds) and how long it lasts (7 seconds). he hopes she'll get it fixed soon.  
  
when it flickers for the third time, natsu begins to shuffle his way home. it's kinda pathetic, he thinks, that he's affected by so little. when he stops and thinks about it, he's not really sure why he's hurting.  
  
he thinks - it's lucy, right? he wants - to be with her. he wants to let her know how much he loves her, how much of his life he dedicates to her, how happy she makes him feel. and - he wants to be the reason she's smiling. he wants to be the reason she gets up in the morning, looking forward to the day. he wants to be - hers.  
  
but - she doesn't. she doesn't want to be his, and she barely even wants to talk to him. she - she doesn't really even want to be his friend, he bets, and she doesn't - she doesn't want to love him.  
  
he's never been a "why" person, more of a "what" person, if that makes sense. he's never really thought why and -  
  
he gets scared then. his heart drops to his feet, and he feels the cold seep through his skin. why - _didn't_ she want to be with him? _she said she wasn't ready, didn’t she? _no, that's not - why, that's -  
  
he thinks of her beaming smile as she sits with cana and levy, and he thinks of her excited chatter about something so small as a cinderella movie. he thinks of her giggles and her laugh, and -  
  
something vile rises up in his throat, and his palms feel sweaty. his head pounds, and his stomach lurches and he stumbles in some random alley. he leans forward and throws up.

he thinks of her hair flying around her and the twinkle in her mocha eyes, and he feels another lurch in his stomach. he keeps throwing up, heaving out all the contents in his stomach until there's nothing left except for a nasty taste in the back of his throat.   
  
when was the last time her eyes had twinkled the way they did today while they were together? when was the last time he felt her genuine laughter? when did she let her hair fly all around her?  
  
she hadn't smiled the same way she did today during their relationship, did she? it dawns on natsu with a sickening crack.  
  
lucy wasn't happy when she was with him. or, at least she wasn’t happy the time leading up to the day where she couldn’t hide her unhappiness anymore.  
  
she hadn't told him. why hadn't she told him? why hadn't she said the truth? that she was okay with loving him but - he wasn't loving her right?  
  
he wants to throw up again, just to punish himself. so he turns his head up and looks up at the sky and sticks three fingers down his throat until the bile in his stomach heaves out. it burns his throat and his fingers leave a sore feeling but he - he kinda almost _wants _the pain. just to - _feel _the pain his heart has.  
  
he just kinda stands there for a bit, not sure about what to do now. he thinks - he kinda wants to see lucy. he just wants to see her and have her hold him and tell him it's alright. but he doesn't - he doesn't have the right to do that anymore, and it's not - okay.  
  
-  
  
the first thing he does that morning is water the flowers. it's kinda pathetic that he's kept them for this long, but he thinks they're pretty and they remind him of lucy. they've started to grow in the soil by themselves, planting themselves in the earth.   
  
today is the day, he thinks. he's finally going to talk to her - _really _talk to her.  
  
happy helps him get ready, since he's been needing a bit of assistance finding the energy to do it. he feels a little embarrased by it, but happy tells him not to worry about it. there's an unspoken understanding between the two of them.  
  
happy offers him fish for breakfast, but natsu refuses the offer. part of him worries that he'd throw it up, and the other part knows that he'd force it up anyway.  
  
he's supposed to meet lucy at a park, but he decides he'll pick her up early. it makes him nervous, and it reminds him of when things seemed so simple. when everything was - okay.  
  
happy walks with him there, and he says its to keep him company. natsu doesn't really mind either way, and he loves happy's presence anyway. so they walk to lucy's.  
  
he walks until he reaches that maple tree, the one that's bare and lightly covered in snow. he takes a deep breath and enters the apartment building.  
  
the stairs to her apartment seem like they go on for forever and natsu feels his feet get heavier with every step. he wonders if this is all just some running prank that somebody is playing on him.  
  
he finally reaches her apartment door and his hand automatically go to her doorknob, so used to plainly walking in. but something is different about this time, and he doesn't feel - safe doing it anymore, so instead he -  
  
he knocks.  
  
it takes only a minute before she opens the door and he sees her. lucy.  
  
she's standing in front of him dressed in plain clothes that hang off her frame and her hair is sprawled around her head in a messy halo. he thinks she's beautiful.  
  
"natsu? i thought we weren't meeting until later," she says, confused. natsu feels his palms get sweaty, and his first instinct is to agree with her and turn away and say he'll meet her then but -  
  
happy gives him a nudge and natsu blinks. he forces himself to say something to her. "yeah, we were, but i just - just wanted to come a bit earlier. is that okay?"  
  
he's hesistant, like he's not completely sure that what he's said is right, and he worries that lucy will laugh in his face just like -

"oh! yeah, of course! do you want to come in?" she says it so casually and unapologetically that natsu almost believes that nothing ever happened between the two of them.  
  
"thanks," he says breathlessly, and lucy steps out of the doorway so he can walk inside.

"you can come in too, happy," lucy says, and happy flies in cheerfully after natsu. she closes the door behind them and natsu awkwardly makes his way through the apartment.   
  
he hates that he feels this way now, that a place that he would once feel safe and comfortable in now feels almost - barren. like it's lacking in love and warmth and he just wants - he just wants it to be okay again.  
  
he knows it won't ever get that way again without him putting in the effort, and him pushing past whatever it is that they're feeling now and -  
  
"so i was thinking after the park, we could head to that cinema again. there's a new movie that's playing, it's supposed to be really good. and then we could grab some lunch, i'm really okay with whatever you're in the mood for..."  
  
she keeps going, natsu thinks, and though he's trying, he knows its all filler. he knows that she's talking about all this crap just to keep herself from saying what she wants to say, the unspoken words that hide between them. and he - he hates that. he really does, he hates that she constantly has to keep herself from him. that she doesn't feel safe around him, that she needs to hide herself from him and it - it fucking hurts.  
  
"...you know what? let me get you something to eat. before we leave, i mean. i mean we'll probably grab some snacks for the movie, but i still think that we should have something before. you know?"  
  
"uh - uh, yeah. sure," natsu says, barely registering her words. she only nods, and she doesn't say much after that. he takes a deep breath and glances up at her. happy is looking between the two of them expectantly. "uh, lucy?"  
  
"yes?" she says, turning her body to face him.  
  
_relax. you have to do this. it can't be any worse than it is now, can it?_  
  
"i - uh, i wanted to talk to you," he says, and luc's gaze falters for a moment, before she realizes and stops herself.  
  
"of course, what's up?" she asks, and natsu swallows thickly in order to make sure his voice doesn't turn off.  
  
"i - i just wanted to ask you, uhm. were - were you happy?" he says it, in the form of a question as if he doesn't know the answer. and it kinda makes him feel naked, like he's just exposed every single part of him for her, like he's vulnerable. he used to think that part of their relationship was thrilling and now he feels - scared.  
  
lucy still doesn't laugh at him. she never laughs, so he doesn't know why he gets so worried that she will. there's a bit of a change in her demeanor, and she shifts her weight from side to side.  
  
"happy?" she repeats, as if she doesn't really want to answer. "like - like right now? of course i'm happy. why wouldn't i be -"  
  
"no." natsu stops her before she can continue. he doesn't want her to trail off, to hide from him. he wants to talk about it. he needs to talk about it. "you know what i mean. did - did i make you unhappy? was that why?"  
  
lucy let out a long sigh, one that lasts for a second too long. "i - i don't know if we should really talk about it."  
  
that should be enough. that should give him his answer. but it doesn't and he keeps going, even though everything is telling him to stop.  
  
"no - i - i want to talk about it. we should talk about it. i think we've put it off for a while," natsu continues, and he feels some kind of strength returning into his voice. he's proud of himself, and he hopes that if erza was here, she'd give him a pat on the back.  
  
lucy gives a slow nod, and she takes a few steps towards him. he wants to shrink away, and give in to himself but somehow, someway he - he keeps going.  
  
"i was happy," she says. "i really was. i think - i think you didn't do anything _wrong_, i just think i was - scared," lucy admits, and natsu knits his eyebrows. he keeps quiet, though, because he wants to be able to hear her.

"and i think, it just. i wasn't sure if i would be enough. if you would be enough. if we would be enough. and it just - that made me so scared. it made me feel - sad. it kept coming back, that scared feeling, in what i felt for you, in what i felt towards our relationship. and eventually it just - it made me so scared. all the time.   
  
"i got scared of hurting you, of doing something wrong. i got scared that you weren't enough, that one day i'd just - i-i didn't know. and i wasn't ready to face all that fear, even if you were by my side for it all. and i realized i couldn't keep doing that to you. so i - i did what i did, and - that's - that's it."  
  
it kinda shocks him, like he wasn't expecting it and he just - he feels that half-sinking feeling, that throw-up feeling and it makes him -  
  
in all honesty, he just wants to crawl into his bed and forget that the world exists. he just wants to forget that any of this even exists, that any of it even really matters. he just wants it to - stop.  
  
"i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said all that," lucy says, starting to babble again, and starting to ignore all the feelings that were in the air now, everything that was revealed and -  
  
natsu doesn't want that. he think that lucy doesn't want that either. he thinks they just need to - stop.  
  
"lucy," he says, quietly. "it's okay to stop now."  
  
it's so simple, just a couple of words, barely even a sentence but it's enough to make lucy's eyes shimmer. water begins to fill up in her eyes and she looks into natsu's eyes and natsu nods, just to let her know that he means it. he really, really does.  
  
diamonds and crystals fall down from her eyes, her beautiful dark honey eyes, and he wants to make her feel safe. he doesn't want her to feel scared, not if he can help it. so he walks over to her and he wraps his arms around her and holds her as tight as he can.  
  
lucy clutches onto his grip, and holds him back even tighter. she holds onto him like he's some sort of lifeline, and cries into his chest. her crystal tears wet the shirt he's wearing, but he doesn't care at all. he barely even notices it as he keeps lucy in his arms.  
  
she continues to cry, and natsu whispers sweet nothings to her, the same way he used to do what seems so long ago. he rubs the tops of her head, threading his fingers through her hair. she keeps herself buried in his arms and natsu feels like he's doing okay for now.  
  
he just holds her through.  
  
her deep sobbing finally subsides and she looks up at him with tear-streaked cheeks. her eyes still shine in the flickering apartmnent light, and natsu thinks that she gets more beautiful every time he looks at her.  
  
"okay," she breathes out, her voice still shaky from crying. "i'm - okay."  
  
it makes him cry, the way she looked up at him, her eyes so full of hope and the way she said those two words and - and this time, he actually believes her. he really, actually believes her.  
  
"okay," he whispers back, brushing her hair out of her face.  
  
the two of them stay for a while, basking in each other's presence as happy settles back into her apartment. he feels the warmth radiate back into her home and he thinks - she's gonna be okay.  
  
he swears it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeee ch. 2 done! there will be another chapter after this one, and i'll try to get it out as soon as possible. something i will say is to look out for some of the hints about natsu's mental health and the way he views things to work out what's in store for the future ;) 
> 
> as always, leave a kudos and a comment if you enjoyed this chapter! they keep me going <3


	3. scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he decides that one day, when he's finally free from his haunted mind, he'd like to be a star. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final chapter! i'd just like to note that the fight/violence takes place in this chapter. natsu begins to spiral in this chapter, and his past trauma begins to show itself more here. but erza/natsu bromance is my weakness uguuu. 
> 
> also, i think that this is the longest chapter, but it is the most important one! oops! in any case, i hope you guys enjoy! :)

the first thing he does every morning his water his flowers. the few flowers from the bouqet have sprouted into a fairly large garden, with rose bushes and baby's breath. he always takes care of them gently, and it gets dirt stuck underneath his fingernails, but he doesn't mind at all. happy helps out with them too  
  
erza usually stops by in the morning on her way to the guildhall. and sometimes she'll even look after them. gray has stopped coming to wake him in the mornings, so it's three of them that know about his garden. and some part of him likes it like that.  
  
happy has to remind him to take a shower everyday, and to make sure that he's taking care of himself. he doesn't really care about that, but he knows the sooner he's finished, the sooner he gets to see lucy.  
  
everyday after he's finished his routine, he walks to lucy's apartment. he gives a little goodbye wave to his garden as if it has feelings, and makes his way through magnolia. there's a lightness in his step, something that makes him feel almost - free. he's not sure why but it makes him so happy.  
  
so, he makes his way to lucy's apartment, usually accompianed by happy. she begins to leave the door unlocked for him, but he still warns her every time he walks through. he used to be so free with walking in to her apartment, but for some reason, he still feels off doing it. happy doesn't, though, and he always flies right in.  
  
lucy always waits for him, even if she's ready to leave. the half-fake part of her smile has disappeared around him, and she's stopped rambling. they still hang out, of course, and whenever there's a new restaurant open in town, or a new movie that's showing, lucy always drags him along. he stopped minding so much, though, and he's actually started to enjoy it. but he still refuses to watch that stupid cinderella movie again.  
  
when they leave her apartment, they'll talk. just regular, normal talk that really means nothing at all, but it's something because - she's okay. lucy's okay. she's not scared anymore, and she's not worried. and he's there for her. and it makes him so thankful that he can finally look into her sparkling eyes and feel warm again.  
  
when they reaches the guildhall, he walks her to her table. she still sits with levy and cana, but it's - different. sometimes even natsu will sit with them, accompianed by erza and gray. soon enough, he'll find himself surrounded by his friends and he feels - okay. he thinks -  
  
yeah. he's okay.  
  
-  
  
so. it happens like this.  
  
natsu doesn't wake up this morning. he doesn't wake up until erza storms in his house, her armor clinking as she walks past.  
  
"natsu?" she calls out. "are you in here?"  
  
natsu wakes up to the sound of her clinking armor, and her strong echoing voice. he makes a loud moan to inform her of his presence. she halts, and then heads towards his bed.  
  
she stops at the foot of his bed, her foot tapping on the floor. natsu cracks an eye open to look at her. she has an uninterested look on her face, almost impatient in a way.  
  
"you slept in. you too, happy," erza chides, and natsu rolls his head over to see happy snoring beside him. he shrugs and shoves his face in the pillow again.  
  
"give me five more minutes," natsu mutters, and erza shakes her head.  
  
"five minutes?" erza lets out a long, teasing sigh. "you've been sleeping 'till noon. lucy sent me to check on you,"  
  
at this, natsu's eyes snap open, and he shakes so excitedly that he wakes up happy beside him. he pushes himself up to be face-to-face with erza.  
  
"she has? oh, damn it, i must've left her waiting for me this morning -" natsu starts, and erza interupts him.

"don't worry about that. why don't you and happy get yourself cleaned up first? i'll go out and tend to the roses," erza offers and natsu nods. he gives happy a gentle push to get the sleepy out, and then he gets up himself to get refreshed for the morning.

happy follows after him, buzzing cheerfully.  
  
there's a window in the front room of the bathroom, one where he has a view of his rose bush beside the tree. he sees erza who's changed her armor into some green and pink clothing - no doubt some "gardening" armor that she's found out of nowhere - and kneeling carefully over the flowers. she has a surprisingly good way with the flowers, and sometimes natsu trusts her with them more than he trusts himself.  
  
honestly, he's surprised he's taken care of them as well as he has so far. he supposes part of it has to do with that warm and fuzzy feeling he gets when he's taking care of them. it's the same feeling he gets when he stares into lucy's eyes and she stares back into his and they're - okay.  
  
natsu finishes cleaning himself up, and when he walks back to his room. erza's laid out his clothes for him, and there's no sign of her current prescence. he assumes she must've went to the guild.  
  
when he finally walks out of his house, he finds himself looking at his garden. erza's taken care of the pesty bugs that leech off the flowers, and he watches as bees buzz around the buds of the growing flowers. he got stung once before, and he hadn't even realized the stinger was still stuck in his skin until he found the late bee resting on the leaves of the garden. he still feels guilty, and he says an apology everyday.  
  
he doesn't want another bee to accidentally lose its life again, so he steers clear of the rose bush. happy flies out excitedly of the house and the two of them walk through the forest together.  
  
happy doesn't ask him any questions, and he likes it that way. it gives him a sense of privacy and security, and he's thankful for happy. he keeps him company as they walk through the streets all the way to the guild.  
  
he's gotten so used to picking up lucy lately that he feels weird walking past her house. he almost considers going to her house just to see if she's still there, but he knows she's not and he pushes on.  
  
the walk to the guildhall is uneventful, which is really a dramatic change considering all of the events he's has on the path before.  
  
anyway, he eventually gets to the hall and his apparent prescence makes a slight change in the guild. the members continue to talk amongst themselves and he makes his way to his normal spot in the bar beside erza and gray. happy starts to follow after him, but soon disappears in favor of conversing with charle.  
  
as soon as he sits down, gray slaps a hand on his back and erza shoots him a concerned look. he doesn't know why, until he glances over to lucy's normal spot, and sees that her table is empty.  
  
he knits his brows in confusion, and looks around the hall for any sign of her. he looks back at erza and gray with a puzzled look on his face.  
  
"where's lucy?" he asks, and gray laughs as if he felt entitled to do so. erza clears her throat awkwardly, as if she feels almost - worried to answer him.  
  
"she went out on a job," she says nevertheless, and turns back to her cake nonchalantly.  
  
"a - job?" natsu asks, and erza makes a sound of confirmation.  
  
he doesn't know why this hurts him as badly as it does. he doesn't know why he suddenly can't breathe. he doesn't know why his skin starts to itch, why his heartbet is picking up and again, all of a sudden, when things finally started to get better -  
  
why does he feel like this again? like the whole world is crashing down on him? like he was meant to do nothing but fall apart again and again?  
  
and he - he doesn't know what to do so he just sits there and stares blankly off into space. and all he wants to do is just forget. he wants to forget and he just wants to know _why_ he feels this way because - because it - it _can't_ be lucy, can it? because she still cares about him, and she still sent erza this morning to check on him so she still worries about him and - it can't be lucy. he can't blame it on that anymore so _why _-

but - it has to be about lucy, right? that - that makes the most sense, even if he doesn't really know why her just going on a job makes him panic.  
  
because - it's not her going on a job without him. it's - it's not. it's not even the fact that she didn't tell him, that it never came up in their conversations. he doesn't _care_ that she went on a job.   
  
and it - it would be so much easier if it was because then - then he'd have a _reason_ as to _why_ he's so fucking upset about it but he _doesn't_ and he thinks that's what makes it hurt the most.  
  
he hears a snicker come from gray's mouth, and his panic is replaced with rage lightning quick.  
  
"oi, natsu. you alright? she's just gone out without you, that's all," gray remarks, and the smarter part of his brain says that it's not _really _meant to be mean, especially because its the truth but -

well, natsu's been itching for a fight for _months_ now, and just the sound of gray's voice really pisses him off so he -  
  
he stands up abruptly and he shoves that stupid pinr of beer out of gray's hand and he gets all up in his face with this sort of menacing look and he kinda _sneers_ at gray's face and he says -  
  
"you sure you should be talkin'? the same guy who can't even _tell_ his girl he loves her?" natsu hits him right where he knows it hurts, right where he knows gray is struggling the most and he knows how much it pisses him off. gray's teeth clench and grind together and before natsu can even blink, he feels gray's knuckles smash into his cheek.  
  
he barely even feels it, doesn't even register it until after he's done it, and natsu wants to laugh. gray hits like a little bitch.  
  
erza immediately springs into action, and tries to stop the fight between them but the fire is already fueled.  
  
so he balls his hands into a fist, and drives it into gray's jaw with everything he's got. his hand stings like hell, but he - he kinda likes that feeling. that feeling of - actual, _physical _pain, and it makes him smile. it's a nasty kind of smile, one that's more anger than anything else. but it makes him _feel_, and it's a kind of feel that matches more than just having itchy fingers.  
  
and that _look_ on gray's face - igneel, it makes him feel so fucking angry. his eyes are alit with rage, and natsu knows that he's an asshole for pressing gray's buttons but goddamnit, he just wants to _fight_. gray stands up, kicking the chair far from him and it grabs the attention of everyone in the guild.  
  
he gives natsu another punch, and this one actually has some bite to it. the punch is right in his mouth, and he feels his lip split open. blood fills up in his mouth, and he drags his tongue across his lip just to make sure it's really there. it stings like hell, but natsu - damn, he really, really likes it. the pain still buzzes, and he grins up at gray.  
  
now it's really started.  
  
he leans forward and pulls his hand back to ram it into the middle of gray's face. it hits him with a sickening _crack_, and when he pulls his hand away, gray's nose is slightly out of place with blood running down his nostrils. natsu's own hand feels broken, and when he glances down at it, his knuckles are cut open and bleeding. his fingers look slighted and his nails have dug so hard into his palm that they've left crimson crescent-moon marks.  
  
it hurts. he hurts. but it feels _so_ much better than before.  
  
gray bares his teeth at him, and before he can realize it, he's been grabbed by his hair. he can feel strands being ripped out painfully, but the next part comes when gray smashes his head into the bar counter.

"what's the matter, ice princess? can't take a hit?" natsu mocks, and anger flashes in gray's eyes. he hacks out a dry-sounding cough, and forces himself to stand up straight.  
  
gray glares at natsu, his rage coming off in ice-cold waves. gray's hands press together and white-freezing wind starts to seep out of his fingers. excitement runs through natsu's veins as the adrenaline rushes through his body. he ignores the throbbing of his head as he feels the familiar warmth of his fire lapping at the palm of his hand. when he glance over this time, he finds his flames loyally by his side.  
  
"put your money where your mouth is, dumbass. we're just getting started. ice make: -" gray snarls, gnashing his teeth at natsu, "- hammer!"  
  
he waves his hands out, and from the air comes a giant smashing hammer that falls on the tops of natsu's head. it slams him into the ground, and he feels his head pounding. the headache he was already feeling is emphasized by a million, and it blocks out his vision for a whole minute. he sees stars floating around his head, and he forgets everything that's around him for a second. he barely even remembers his own name, and when his vision finally comes to, he feels nothing but determination.  
  
the throbbing of his head hurts like a motherfucker, and it makes his whole body ache in return.  
  
but this whole time, this whole fight, he realized - he hasn't felt a damn thing. he hasn't felt that sinking-heart hurt. he feels free. he likes this physical pain, this actual, real hurt that makes his whole body shake. he prefers this over that heartaching so much more. prefers actual, reasonable hurt, than confusing and frustrating feelings.  
  
so he laughs, and pushes himself up to his feet.  
  
"you call that a hit, ice princess?" he says mockingly, and gray sneers at him.  
  
"let your bite do the talking, hot head," gray remarks, and natsu sniggers. beating gray is child's play.  
  
"alright! fire dragon's -" he gets his posture ready, aiming solely at gray and feeling his rage fuel his power. "- roar!"  
  
he feels the heat from his stomach pour out his mouth, feels it spreading through the air and past the guild members and straight to gray's stupid face. there's a bout of smoke and ash that follows after it hits and makes him feel sated and satisfied.  
  
except - after the smoke clears up, he doesn't see gray on the floor, defeated. instead, he sees him hiding behind an ice shield, and -  
  
erza. she's in her flame empress armor, with a deeply disappointed and hardened look on her face. he can tell she's blocked his attack, absorbed it into her sword to keep it from wrecking the guild hall and hitting gray.  
  
he almost wants to feel angry at her but -  
  
_"what are you two doing?"_  
  
\- he just feels... disappointed. depressed. and what was once excitement has now turned into guilt. erza's gaze has bored into him, and now he feels -  
  
wrong.  
  
"gray-sama!" the worrying voice of juvia breaks his thoughts as she rushes over to the ice mage and fusses over him. he stares at the two of them as gray flushes and tries to hide his face away.  
  
he flops on the floor of the guild hall, and looks around. the entire guild is staring at him, and he - he can't find it in himself to really care at all.  
  
"natsuu!" he hears a voice call, and when he turns his head, he finds happy flying towards him. there's a worried expression on his face, and everything about this is -  
  
it's all too familiar, all too close to a home he doesn't have and he just doesn't want to _be_ here. this wasn't just a fight, it never was, and natsu -  
  
he pushes himself of the floor and runs out of the guild hall.  
  
-  
  
he still feels something in his belly, something like rage or anger and he just - he wants it _gone_. he just doesn't want it there anymore, and it makes him shake.  
  
he's on his way home now, away from the guild, from erza's disappointed gaze, from happy's tears. he still doesn't know what to do, and it makes him - _so _frustrated. there's still flames licking at his hands and arms, but he barely even notices. all he can think about is how he doesn't want to _be_ _here,_ he doesn't want to _do this_.

he just wants to be okay.  
  
-  
  
he finally reaches home, and in a subconscious way, he looks at his garden. just this morning, erza was tending to them and he was avoiding them to keep from harming the buzzing bumblebees.  
  
he wants to go to his flowers. he walks over to them, still feeling the warmth at his fingertips. he looks at the flowers and he -  
  
he starts to cry.  
  
he bought these flowers originally for lucy. as a sign that showed how much he loved her, and how much he wanted to be there for her. but she hadn't accepted them and -  
  
that's when all these stupid feelings started. all because of those stupid fucking flowers that meant nothing at all. that represented nothing but lucy's rejection of his love, the pathetic way he made her unhappy and how he fucking ruined anything precious in his life.  
  
it's agony, it's fucking agony, and it makes him hurt like hell. he doesn't want it, _he doesn't want it!_  
  
he screams out, letting all his frustrations in the scream and he hates these fucking flowers, these stupid fucking flowers and -  
  
he sets them aflame. he holds a rose bud in his hand and the green stem catches fire. it spreads throughout the bush quickly, and he - he doesn't feel anything.  
  
he just sits there, watching the fire spread across the bush. feeling - empty.  
  
it's not until the flame finally settles down, when there's nothing left but ash that it finally hits him. that -  
  
_ no. nononono. no! he didn't - he didn't!_  
  
he claws at the dying flames of the fire, the fallen petals of the bush, and -  
  
"no! no, no, no, no! please, igneel, no!" it's a desperate plea, some kind of pathetic call. he can't believe his eyes, can't believe his actions, how _stupid_ he was and _no - !_  
  
"no, please, i didn't mean it! i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry," his cries die down to a low whisper and he keeps digging at the dead garden, hoping for _anything _-  
  
he feels his already hazy vision blur from salty tears, and his already heated face burn. this wasn't what he wanted. he never wanted this. he didn’t mean to...  
  
his soft sobs turn to loud and ugly wailing. he doesn't think he's ever been his emotional before, that he's ever cried this hard before -  
  
_"speak of the future. that is the power to live."_  
  
\- and he feels like he's dying, like everything is falling apart. he just doesn't want to do this anymore, doesn't even want to feel anymore - like, he doesn’t even have a life purpose anymore -  
  
_"it's your destiny to try and overtake me, natsu."_  
  
\- he just wants it to stop.  
  
"natsu! natsu!" he hears a voice call his name, and he's so fucking _tired _of his name being said like that. he just wants everyone to leave him alone, just to leave him be.  
  
he hears strong, heavy footsteps reaching his path, followed by the clinking of armor. it doesn't take a genius to know that it's erza checking in on him.  
  
"oh, natsu," she says, her voice soft and gentle. he hates the comfort her voice brings, and all he wants to do is just keep being angry.  
  
his fists are still aflame and when erza makes her way towards him, he freezes up. she sits beside him, and natsu almost shakes.  
  
he doesn't want to hurt her. not erza.  
  
he lifts his gaze from the burnt flowers to look at her, and the way her armor shines in the rising moonlight.  
  
she doesn't say anything, except she reaches out to touch his cheek. he flicnhes away from her though, and erza pulls her hand away.  
  
he turns back to the burnt flower bush, and stares blankly at it as tears continue to fall from his eyes. he hears a soft whoosh, and when he glances at erza, he finds her without her armor. she wears a plain white blouse instead, and natsu feels his throat tightening.  
  
"it's okay. i know you won't hurt me," erza assures, and without even realizing it, the fire in his hands die down. he lets out a long wail, and erza immediately wraps her arms around his shoulders and holds him tight.  
  
they stay like that for a few more minutes, him crying and her comforting him. she pulls him from his chest when his sobs start to subside and she offers a gentle smile.

her eyes flicker to his hands. they're covered in dirt and ash, and erza holds them.  
  
"come on. let's go wash the dirt off," she says. she stands up and pulls him up with her. natsu stumbles after her, almost as if he's not really there. he feels like he's watching some movie through his eyes, like he's some sort of spectator. like he's not really there but - almost.  
  
erza pulls him into his house and sits him down on the nearest rest while she goes to run a bath. when she comes back to lead him to the bathroom, he shakes his head blankly.  
  
"stop doing this, erza. i don't deserve it," natsu mumbles, his voice hurting.  
  
"and why not?" erza asks pointedly. she crouches down in front of him, crossing her arms.  
  
"i burnt down the flowers. the one thing that i was taking care of - gone. and it's my fault," his voice was blank. emotionless. he felt blank, too. like he was all worn out.  
  
erza doesn't say anything, though. instead, she pursues her lips and stands up. she leads natsu up again, pulling him out of the chair. he's leaning on erza mostly, because he can't find the strength or the energy to move all that well.  
  
gray really did a number on him.  
  
erza leads him to the bath, and she helps him get his clothes off for it. part of him wants to feel weirded out by her actions, and almost - grossed out by how casual it seemed for her. but he doesn't find the strength to care, and he knows that erza's actions are almost - nurturing.  
  
she helps him get in the bath, and he stares awkwardly at his hands. there's dirt and grime under his fingernails and stuck between his fingers. the ash leaves a certain smell on him.  
  
it's quiet as she cleans him. she washes the dirt off his hands, scrubbing until he's practically spotless. it's a simple kind of silence, and he doesn't have the right or the strength to say anything about it.  
  
"natsu," erza says suddenly. "lucy's come back."  
  
this grabs his attention, though, and he turns to look at her. "she is? is she alright?"  
  
erza nods, and she pulls her hands away from the bath water to put them in her lap. "i know that what happened today wasn't about her."  
  
natsu turns away from her then, and he tries to hide from her stare. she keeps going, though. "i know that there's more to it. but i - i wanted to say -"  
  
her voice cracks, and natsu immediately shifts in the water to look at her falling expression. she looks at him with shiny eyes. "- you're a brother to me, natsu. you're my family, and i love you so much. and i - i don't know how to help you. i just - wish that - that i could take all your pain away because it - it's _so much_, natsu. this pain that you're feeling. i just wish i knew what to do," erza says it so desperately, like she's practically begging him. and he - he doesn't know what to do except for -  
  
he hugs her. he's still not thinking completely straight, but he just - he doesn't want erza to cry. he hates seeing her so weak, seeing her so useless and - it's his fault.  
  
_"i love you both so much."_  
  
"it's okay, erza. i'm - okay," he assures her and erza shakes her head a little.  
  
"no. no, you're not, natsu. and you don't have to hide that from me," she takes a deep breath, and pulls herself from natsu. "it's okay."  
  
he doesn’t know what to say then, so he just stays quiet and turns back to the water. he studies his reflection in the water, and he sees that he's got a nasty bruise on the side of his face. his lip is pretty banged up, and more bruises scatter along his face. his concussion is still very noticeably there, and he'd probably have to see porlyuscia or wendy later, but right now, he just doesn't care.  
  
"i'm going to leave you to get dressed," erza finally says. "i'll be waiting outside."

he waits until he hears her leave the bathroom. he doesn't want to waste anymore time brooding, so he finishes cleaning himself up. he dresses back into his usual clothing, but finds he's near exhausted even after just doing that. he shuffles out of the bathroom to find erza sitting in his bed, talking in soft tones to happy, who must've appeared sometime while he was cleaning himself up.  
  
"natsu, are you feeling okay?" happy immediately asks once he notices his presence. natsu nods, and happy buzzes, relieved. he dashes behind erza and snuggle into the bed.  
  
"i've asked wendy to come in the morning. she said it's best for you to get as much rest as you can until she can come heal you," erza explains. natsu knits his brows at this, and he begins to protest.  
  
"you said lucy's back. i should check in on her," natsu offers and erza shakes her head.  
  
"no, natsu, i don't think that's best. she's been out all day, she's probably tired. and you need rest," erza argues, and natsu knows it's not wise to fight with erza bur he still frowns and crosses his arms at her.  
  
"i'm fine," natsu insists. "i need to check in with lucy."  
  
erza studies him, and he - he should feel uncomfortable with her gaze. he should feel anxious, he should feel awkward but - he doesn't feel anything. instead he looks back at her, straight into her eyes.  
  
"c'mon, erza, you get it, right? she - she probably needs me or something," natsu replies, and he thinks - there should probably be some urgency to his voice. he should have _some _kind of emotion when he says that, but there isn't. erza crosses her arms.  
  
it's his glazed-over look, that blank and numb expression that tells her everything she needs to know about natsu's insistence to see lucy. she gets up from his bed and walks over to where he's standing. frowning, she puts her hands on his shoulders.  
  
"what about you, natsu? who's taking care of you?" she says, and natsu shrugs.  
  
"well, you are, aren't you? and wendy's coming in tomorrow," he dances around the question, and instead focuses on the easy part. erza was indeed taking care of him. she had consistently asked him how he was feeling, had made sure that he was properly taking care of himself and she - she had even tended to the flowers.  
  
but now as she continues to study him, that uncomfortable feeling starts to seep in. he starts to shift awkwardly, and - it's the only real emotion that's hit him in a while. she keeps staring at him, and she eyes his fidgeting. he hates how erza can do that.  
  
"'i'll ask you again, natsu," she says, and she repeats his name to let him know that she's talking to him, just to bring him to the surface. "who is taking care of you?"  
  
natsu frowns at erza's persistence and he puts his hands on hers, taking them off his shoulders. "you are, erza. you and happy and lucy. trust me, i'm okay."  
  
erza shakes her head for what seems like the millionth time today and natsu internally winces. he wishes she'd stop doing that.  
  
"natsu, i - i just want to be able to help you," erza says softly, and natsu wraps his arms around himself.  
  
"you are helping me, erza. really. i'm just - struggling," natsu admits and erza sighs out loud. she looks up at natsu and puts a hand on his cheek.  
  
"just - let me rest easy tonight, okay? will you go to sleep? and wait for wendy to come in the morning?" erza asks hopefully. natsu's frown deepens.  
  
"you don't trust me?" he questions and erza takes in a deep breath.  
  
"no. no, that's not it. it's because i trust you that i am worried. i trust that you'll do what your heart wishes you to do. and i just - i want you to get better. not - not get worse," erza explains, and natsu nods.  
  
"okay. okay, i'll go to bed. and i'll wait for wendy in the morning. you can go home, erza. besides, isn't jellal staying with you this month?" he reminds her, and erza's face flushes red.  
  
"i - that's nothing. he'll be okay. are you sure that i can leave you alone?"  
  
natsu smiles. "yes. of course. and happy will be here, too."

erza sighs a breath of relief. "alright. okay. if anything happens, just - just let me know."  
  
"yeah. don't worry," he promises.  
  
"okay. i trust you." erza gives him one last, final hug before she turns away from him and walks away. she stops in the doorway and glances back at him, and he gives her a gentle smile to comfort and reassure her.  
  
she smiles right back, and disappears into the night.  
  
natsu sighs, feeling his smile drop as soon as she's gone. he sits down on his bed, his legs still planted firmly on the ground and closes his eyes.  
  
if he stays very quiet, he could still hear the ringing in his ears. courtesy of gray, he supposes, and he opens his eyes to glance around the darkness of his small house. he looks out the window and sees the starlit world outside.  
  
he feels his body get up from the bed and shuffle out to the front of his house. he could hear happy's snoring even from out here. part of him still wants to go to lucy's, just to talk to him, but the other part -  
  
it just wants to look up at the stars and the moon and forget that he existed. that he had a life and a purpose and _feelings_.  
  
he likes that idea. so he sits outside in the grassy area of his front yard and he stares up at the stars.  
  
he decides that one day, when he's finally free from his haunted mind, he'd like to be a star. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!! well, that's all for this one!! thanks so much for reading this, it truly means everything in the world to me. i am so grateful :D 
> 
> the next work that i plan on publishing is episode 2, so keep an eye out if you're excited for that! my goal is to publish it sometime this month, preferably before/near thanksgiving. after publishing episode 2, i intend to take a small hiatus from this series. i have every intention of completing this series, though, so i will definitely return after my break. 
> 
> that being said, i'd just like to thank everybody for reading again! make sure to leave a kudos and a comment, they truly make my day!


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